Sometimes the conversation is neither loud nor dramatic. It is just there, and you are talking, but not really connecting. Such relationships are creating a particular kind of distance that can have a negative impact. Conversations feel tense, repetitive, or carefully managed. You may find yourselves having the same argument again and again or avoiding it altogether. And somewhere along the way, a quiet question begins to surface: “How did we get here?”

Many couples believe they are struggling because of communication. But often, the issue isn’t just what is being said—it is what is happening deep down. An argument about small daily frustrations can carry deeper feelings about being unheard, misunderstood, or unimportant. Over time, these moments build. Reactions become stronger. Patience becomes thinner. Or silence replaces conversation altogether.

What’s happening isn’t simply disagreement. It’s disconnection. And disconnection can be difficult to name, especially when everything on the surface looks “fine.”

That’s why many couples wait. They wait until things feel worse before seeking support. They tell themselves it will pass or that they should be able to fix it on their own. But support is not only for when things are falling apart. It can be a way to understand the patterns you’re caught in—and to begin shifting them before they become more entrenched.

In my work, grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I work with couples to slow down and explore what is beneath the surface of their interactions. The data shows that when you understand what is really happening, something important begins to change.

Interested in learning more or working together? Reach out to Dennise directly:

📧 dennisedemming@gmail.com 💬 WhatsApp: +1 (868) 761 9426 📅 Book Online: https://calendar.app.google/smCTsbWPAEPKs2ck7

This article was originally published on Valentía and Grit: https://valentiandgrit.com/blog/sometimes-it-s-not-the-argument-it-s-what-is-underneath-it

ResetLife Solutions is a safe, supportive space dedicated to helping individuals and couples navigate life’s challenges with clarity and confidence. Founded by Dennise Demming — a licensed therapist based in Trinidad and Tobago and a Walden University graduate with a Master’s in Couples Therapy — ResetLife Solutions offers professional, compassionate therapy tailored to where you are in life.

Our Services

💑 Couples Therapy — Rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen your relationship in a safe, guided environment

🙋 Individual Therapy — Personal one-on-one sessions to help you grow, heal, and reset

📞 Discovery Consultation — Not sure where to start? Book a free introductory call to explore how we can work together

Book an Appointment

Ready to take the first step? Choose how you’d like to connect:

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📧 Email Us — dennisedemming@gmail.com

A recent comment from a visiting sailor has stayed with me in a way that is both embarrassing and deeply concerning. He shared that as he approached Trinidad by sea, he did not need a map to know where he was. The number of plastic bottles floating in our waters told him clearly that he was nearing our shores. That statement should give all of us pause.

Trinidad and Tobago is a beautiful country, but our approach to garbage management undermines that reality. In some communities, garbage is collected three times per week. In others, collection is inconsistent—biweekly or even monthly. This uneven system contributes directly to the buildup of waste in public spaces, drains, and waterways.

What is even more troubling is the absence of a structured, national approach to waste separation. In many other countries I have visited, garbage collection is organized and predictable: one day for general waste, another for plastics, and another for bottles or recyclables. This consistency not only improves efficiency but also encourages citizens to adopt cleaner, more responsible habits.

Here at home, the lack of such systems fosters a culture of indifference. When people see garbage piling up or floating in rivers, it gradually becomes normalized. I have personally observed dirty plastics lining our waterways—clear evidence of a system that is not working.

This is not simply a matter of aesthetics; it is a public health and environmental issue. Poor waste management affects drainage, contributes to flooding, harms marine life, and diminishes national pride.

The current government must take a more deliberate and structured approach. A standardized, island-wide waste collection schedule, combined with public education and enforcement, could significantly improve conditions. Citizens will respond when systems are clear, consistent, and fair.

We cannot continue as we are. If a visitor can identify our country by the garbage in our waters, then it is time for serious reflection—and decisive action. This issue of garbage management is not one that has been seriously implemented by either of the political parties that talk about improving our country.  We must do better.

The recent call for the resignation of the Board of the Children’s Authority raises a bigger issue.

In a country of only 1.3 million people, we can’t keep changing boards every time something goes wrong, or there’s a change of government, and expect different results. While concerns like financial mismanagement must be taken seriously, simply replacing people does not fix the system.

From my experience, board members often know that their time depends on how well they align with the Minister’s expectations. The problem is that those expectations can sometimes be more about party priorities than national ones. That makes it harder for board members to speak up or challenge decisions when necessary.

We need to move away from that. Board appointments should be based on competence, integrity, and a genuine focus on national outcomes—not party interests.

At the same time, we should be demanding better performance, clearer accountability, and real follow-through when things go wrong. Where there are serious failures, boards must be held properly accountable for their decisions, including, where necessary, legal consequences—not simply allowed to walk away.

In a small country like ours, we need continuity, courage, and systems that support good decision-making—not constant starting over.

Calypsonian, Mighty Cypher (real name Glenroy Joseph) sang in 1967, “If the priest could play, who is me?” It was witty, but it carried a warning: when those in authority stretch the rules, everyone else feels justified doing the same.

That is why the recent enforcement actions led by Senator Phillip Alexander at Maracas Beach and within a Housing Development Corporation (HDC) community deserve serious reflection.

No one is suggesting that unlawful structures should be protected or that businesses operating without approval should continue unchecked. The State has a duty to enforce the law. But enforcement is not simply about removal; it is about method. When activities have existed openly for years and are suddenly dismantled in a highly public manner, citizens are entitled to ask whether proper notice was given, whether there was an opportunity to comply, and whether similar breaches elsewhere are being addressed with equal urgency.

Process is not a technical obstacle. It is what separates lawful authority from raw power. If the State appears to act first and explain later, the signal sent to the population is that force is more important than fairness. If enforcement looks selective or abrupt, respect for the law weakens rather than strengthens.

Citizens are watching. They learn how to behave by observing those who govern them. When public officials model patience, documentation, and consistency, they teach discipline. When they model confrontation and spectacle, they normalise confrontation.

We cannot hope to reduce aggression and disrespect in national life while displaying impatience in the exercise of public authority. Leadership is not only about being correct in outcome; it is about being careful in conduct.

Law must be enforced. But it must be enforced in a way that deepens trust.

Mighty Cypher’s comment, “If the priest could play, who is me?” is still an excellent example that the leadership at the top influences how people follow.  Our country needs politeness and respect at all levels.

Recently, there have been calls for the Central Bank to “step up” and collect data on Carnival. This request misunderstands the Bank’s role. Globally, Central Banks manage monetary policy, financial stability, and the balance of payments. It relies on national statistics for the numbers it needs. It is not meant to run surveys of promoters, masqueraders, or events.

An excellent point made in a Sep 28, 2023 Saturday Express article “Carnival a forex earner”, is that Carnival is too important to go unmeasured. It is one of Trinidad and Tobago’s most significant earners of foreign currency and a key component of our creative economy. Visitors spend foreign exchange on flights, hotels, costumes, and tickets. Local people and small businesses earn from related seasonal jobs. Yet, without proper data, we cannot know its true impact. Policymakers and investors are left guessing. This is not the fault of the Central Bank; that’s not its job.

The lack of Carnival data points to a bigger problem. Our national statistics system is weak. Collecting this information should be the job of the Central Statistical Office and line ministries such as Tourism, supported by planning and finance authorities. Only a coordinated system can tell us how Carnival contributes to GDP, foreign exchange, and the wider economy.

Dr. Keith Nurse, appointed President of COSTAATT in 2023, brings decades of research in Caribbean economics and the creative industries. He was not on the Board before his COSTAATT appointment, but now serves as an ex officio member. His insights on Carnival are valuable, but the question of national data is bigger than even his skill set.

In 2015, leading up to the elections, the PNM’s manifesto promised to modernise data collection.  A decade later, we still lack a clear creative economy measurement system or integrated data from Immigration, Customs, Tourism, and Finance. Without these, we scramble for numbers and debate policy based on guesses.

Carnival represents export earnings, jobs, entrepreneurship, and international recognition. Properly measured, it strengthens planning and investor confidence. Like so many important issues, it remains poorly measured and is just a talking point. The solution is clear: strengthen our statistical and planning systems. Build a transparent, coordinated, and functional data framework.

Carnival is significant enough to require careful, thoughtful curation, not haphazard management.